I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
