I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
