the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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