im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
