I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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