new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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