Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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