she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
