Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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