dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
