corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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