i jhust puked up my retainher.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
