my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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