Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
