sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
