I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize