fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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