My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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