so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
