First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
