I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize