Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
