I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize