Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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