i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
