do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
