Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
