Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
