At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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