Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
