This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
