Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
