I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
