just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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