Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
