my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize