Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
