remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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