cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
