there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
