you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
