A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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