Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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