Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
