I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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