Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
