I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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