she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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