insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
