I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
