My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
