I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i think my cat just said my name.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
