That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
