life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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