took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
