mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
