Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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