I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
