So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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