apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
