I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
