My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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