At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
