the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
