The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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