I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
