when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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