Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
nutella sex= disaster
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
how does that bad decision feel?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
