Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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